Venting my frustrations

I want to change the world.
I want to help you.
I can't help you.
I can't change the world.
I...
...am nothing.

I've really been trying to change things a lot lately. The harder I try though the more frustrated I become. No matter what, when I try to change something there's always some motive, some grand plan, that I'm really hoping will work out my way. It never works that way though. Something always goes wrong. I can't change the world without first changing me. I've lost count of the number of times that my plans have fallen through. I've even lost count of every time I've realized this. I'm reminded daily. Doesn't that speak to the will of God though? This is what frustrates me. I can't win. Am I the only one who feels like this? Honestly, I can't tell you the last time I feel like I've had a personal victory. I'm single, I live with my parents, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I take pills, I'm out of shape, and I'm stressed. I could go on but I won't.

On to the good now. One great victory in my life in the past year was when I was baptized. I identified myself with the body of Christ. This was not my victory though. This was God's. As Jason dipped me beneath the water I was symbolically putting to death my old life and conquering death. I need more than a symbol though. Spiritually, personally, physically, emotionally I need to surrender what is mine and put it to death. You see, I'm selfish. Really it's not something that I would openly admit to in public. But I am. We all are somewhat but I despise selfishness. I want things to work out my way always. As a Christian though I must surrender myself in submission to God's will. I can seek to impact my world on my own and ultimately fail due to my fears and shortcomings or I can surrender my life to God and conquer all. I have nothing to fear, I have defeated death. My shortcomings are countered by His immeasurable strength.

I was carrying on a text conversation with a very good friend when I started this. My original reason for starting the conversation was out of bitterness. I was angry with them. I've had my doubts about their priorities and I felt like I had to be the one to tell them off for neglecting something very important to me. In frustration I nearly sent a very hostile message. I knew the moment I started that being angry with them wouldn't end well. I stopped and I prayed.

I realized then that I can't make their decisions for them. The only thing I could do is tell them how much I cared for them. I do care about my friends and family deeply. I want you all to know this. You are loved. I know that sometimes it's not easy to be open with someone but I want to tell you that if you ever need someone to talk to I would love to be the one to listen. I'm good at that.

*Addition*

We sang this song in church on Sunday. The words spoke to what I was thinking about here. The song is "Mighty to Save". Here's just part of the song:

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.