What am i doing here?

I feel lost. I don't know where I am. I'm confused and frustrated. My heart doesn't feel right. Here I am a month away from getting my AA, four months from going to Central, I have a pretty dang sweet job, and an awesome church. But I feel useless. I know that usually being used is usually not such a good thing but that's what I want. I really feel like I am utterly transparent to people. I want to be included in the good times and the bad and not just the mundane, humdrum, everyday part of peoples' lives. I don't want the careless "How are you?" and the meaningless "I'm fine". I want to be the friend you want to hang out with, the guy who will listen and actually care, I'm not out to suffocate your life with my presence but I want to be a part of it. I want to know you. So I know I'm not talkative and I've never had a girlfriend, I'm not an athlete and I'm not a genius, and I'm not perfect. My dreams are just that. Nothing that I can touch or even see. Just the mystery of what will be. So here I am crying out for help to virtually no one*. Why? Because no one cares that I have a blog. No one cares about my dull life. But this is eating me alive.

This whole time I've been thinking about how selfish all of this really is but it hasn't stopped me. I've even thought about not posting this because of the selfish stench that it has. But I will. That is all 100% true. I'm broken. I don't think my life can take a worse hit.  Pray for me please.

*Obviously you don't count and I thank you.

I recently rediscovered this song. It's probably one of my favorites and the message happens to especially speak to me today. Sorry some of the lyrics are cut off but I can't change the formatting for some reason and this is the only song by this title so look it up.

Valley Song Lyrics You have led me to the sadness I have carried this pain On a back bruised, nearly broken I'm crying out to you Chorus I will sing of Your mercy That leads me through valleys of sorrow To rivers of joy When death like a Gypsy Comes to steal what I love I will still look to the heavens I will still seek your face But I fear you aren't listening Because there are no words Just the stillness and the hunger For a faith that assures Chorus x2 Alleluia, alleluia Alleluia, alleluia While we wait for rescue With our eyes so tightly shut Face to the ground using our hands To cover the fatal cut And though the pain is an ocean Tossing us around, around, around You have calmed greater waters Higher mountains have come down Chorus Yeah Alleluia, alleluia Alleluia, alleluia Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia Chorus (4 Xs) Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy, Mercy Your mercy